The Tanker Incident: The Truth
by STaR Productions
Summary: An adaption of the Tanker Chapter from Sons of Liberty. Lots of random and non-random humour and OOC moments.
1. Chapter 1

**R: Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of these characters only the story I've created **

**The story and concept is by me and ONLY ME!! The mighty R!**

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The George Washington Bridge two years ago.

"We'd received information on a new Metal Gear. The whole thing stank but our noses had been out in the cold for too long," said Snake talking to himself.

The night's sky was pitch black, rain poured from the heavens, but it was actually a bust water pipe on top of the bridge from a bunch of pranking kids.

A single man, his face hidden by the hood of his darker than the night coat, was walking alone talking to himself about something two years ago, but soon he ceased his ramblings and continued walking, attempting to light his cigarette. The 'rain' was extinguishing it constantly, and high above the kids sniggered.

After a few moments he gave up and threw away the lighter with an annoyed 'tut!'

BOOM!!

Several cars blew up due to the fact that the lighter contained nitro glycerine, but the man continued regardless ignoring the flames, cries of agony and the police attempting to shoot him.

His speed increased until he was jogging but then he stopped for breath, coughing violently. He then broke into a full on sprint, then he threw away his coat and activated his 'stealth' which consisted of a speaker blaring out at full blast 'I'M COMPLETELY INVISIBLE!!'

In one quick movement he attached a rope to the side of the bridge and jumped, dramatic music played strangely enough as an entire orchestra followed him over the side. It was at that moment he realised the rope wasn't actually attached, although it wasn't apparently visible his mouth dropped open and exclaimed his sentiments in a civilised manner.

"OH CRAAAAAAAAAAAP!!"

He was falling faster, no chance of survival now, he would impact the water like a solid wall at 60mph, but luckily a convenient oil tanker appeared from nowhere and even _more_ conveniently it happened to be the one he was looking for!

"SWEET!"

He had to shout because the 'stealth' was still in operation, as he plummeted he aimed for the softest landing point, which happened to be a random terrorist.

There was an incredibly loud 'SPLAT' as he impacted the terrorist at just over (somehow) 200mph, then he got back to his feet, threw the corpse over board and cleaned up the blood in less that a second.

He then faced some random direction and started to look incredibly stylish despite the 'stealth' and looked up as the words "METAL GEAR SOLID 2 SONS OF LIBERTY" appeared and faded. The orchestra were still playing by his side but he decided to ignore them, and he crouched, cupping his ear, time instantly and unfeasably stopped and his vision became blocked by the Codec screen.

"It's me Snake I made on board!"

"Really?" replied Otacon in an incredulous tone.

"Yes! Of course! Why do you doubt my skill?" questioned Snake.

"Well you kind of erm…suck," answered Otacon.

"Humph! Why am I here anyway?"

"Oh right yeah! You need to take some pics of the new meat gear."

"Erm…why? What possible reason could I have to take pictures of some 'meat gear'?"

"What? No! _Metal _Gear! You idiot!"

"Whatever… hmm?"

Snake noted that there were some very strangely dressed men walking around the ship, they were carrying torches and balloon animals.

"Erm… Otacon? Why are there clowns on board too?"

"Oh they're the marines, they thought it was less conspicuous to look like happy clowns!"

Snake however wasn't listening he was dancing around whistling some circus theme with a huge smile on his face, like a horny teenager in the 'adult only' section.

"STOP THAT!"

Snake immediately halted his childish antics and retuned to his ever-stylish 'Codec' pose.

"Sorry! Wait… is that a helicopter?"

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**Written by me the ever awesome R! **

**Please don't hesitate to leave a comment/review! (Please with a cherry on top?)**


	2. Chapter 2

**R: Lo and behold the second chapter! Enjoy! **

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Snake listened to the sound of the helicopter they all sounded the same but that didn't bother him.

Somewhere inside one of the helicopters was a single old man somehow piloting the aircraft in the passenger section and with nothing but a revolver "Right on time…how the hell did he manage to be on time?"

Snake looked very carefully at the chopper, then looked closer with a pair of binoculars "KA-60 Kasatka".

Otacon knew which vehicle Snake was referring to then something clicked "How the hell can you see anything when the codec screen's blocking you view? And even then time stopped right?"

Snake thought carefully about his reply how could he explain it simply? He decided on "Shut up!" Snake then noted there were other people on board now, they were dressed in desert camouflage hidden really badly against the dark colours of the night.

They acted with speed and precision and even worse than that…. stealth! They carefully sneaked up on the marines/clowns they drew their knifes in a slow manner as not to make too much sound and fired the shotgun they were carrying.

"Otacon we've got visitors…wait aren't we the visitors? Hold on I'm confused!"

Otacon sighed it wasn't hard to confuse Snake. "Yes but now there are more uninvited guests…they're the bad guys now…you can kill them!"

"Sweet! I love killing people any one who says otherwise will be killed."

Snake turned back to the merciless slaughter of the innocent clowns, blood and make up were swirling with the (now actual) rain water and their bodies were cast over board, even if they were inside the actual tanker itself they mysteriously appeared in the sea/river/channel delete as applicable.

"Who are these noobs?" Snake questioned nobody in particular.

"You mean the clowns because I've…"

"No the other noobs!"

"Oh I don't know I can't see them from two STATES AWAY!"

Snake acquired a camera from a handy 'Kodak' stand that happened to be giving away free digital cameras.

He surveyed the local area and noted that there was several teams moving, killing the 'clowns' There was also the helicopter pad, a helicopter had just taken off leaving some more important looking people behind.

A McDonald's could be seen where the helicopter had taken off from, Snake took a pic of the most important looking guy there (you could tell this because he had a bright neon sign saying "THE MOST IMPORTANT GUY LOL!") and sent it to Otacon. "I'll get on it right away!"

The codec stopped and Snake took cover behind the Kodak stand and checked his equipment. He had 1 tranquilliser gun with ammo, 1 pair of binoculars, 1 free digital camera, 1 'stealth', 3 tonnes worth of 'adult' magazines, the MGS2 walkthrough, and last but not least 80 pounds of C-4.

At this point Otacon contacted Snake "what the hell are you doing with 80 pounds of C-4? Or for that matter how the hell are you carrying 80 pounds of C-4?" Snake looked down at the C-4 and realised that he really shouldn't have brought it with him the last thing him and Otacon needed were to piss off the U.N…. again. Last time they completely disintegrated Australia so Snake decide to throw the C-4 over board, after all he can't carry near-limitless amounts of ammo and items forever now can he?

Snake decide to try and get to this new 'Metal Gear' when yet again Otacon interrupted Snake train of thought "Wait go to the bridge we need to find out where this ships going!" Snake groaned and dutifully carried out the task and sneaked his way to the inside of the ship.

His 'stealth' was somehow actually working and the guards were oblivious to Snake's presence even though several times he stopped to ask for directions to the bridge, even then he still got lost, he consulted the MGS2 guide whilst the guards were there.

"Hmm... I can't understand this thing!"

"Oh its easy look this is where you are...Where are you trying to get to?" said the guard who was currently looking over Snake's shoulder

"The bridge," replied Snake.

"Right well let's see you go left, up the stairs, right, up another set of stairs and erm up the stairs in that room see?"

Snake followed the directions on the map from what the guard told him, it made so much sense now he could clearly see every thing on the map this was going to be easy!

Snake managed to get past the first two floors easily when he noticed the floor he was currently on was just a long corridor, he smiled with the knowledge that this was going to be easy to get to the stairs. Then he suddenly remembered that the guide said that there was a camera here, no guard though, not a high enough difficulty level.

Snake considered his options he could either walk straight past and hope the 'stealth' worked on cameras, or he could shoot it. He decided the latter and equipped the M9, he brought up the sights in line with the camera and carefully squeezed the trigger dust exploded from the silencer and the dart impacted the camera.

"ZZZZZZZZZ…"

The camera's light stopped flashing and it fell forwards, 'Z's coming from it. It worked! Snake snuck past with a grin on his face due to the fact he knocked out a camera! He was now on the last floor on one more set of steps to go, he walked round to the right and was about to step through an obvious trap when Otacon appeared on the codec.

"Wait Snake there's a blindingly obvious tarp there!"

"A…what now?"

"A _trap _you fool!"

"Really where?"

Snake observed the hall and noted a black sensor on either side of the narrow passage, he continued to examine his surroundings when he saw a sign.

"TO ALL GURLUKOVICH SOLDIERS, BEWARE OF OBVIOUS TRAP, MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH, THIS IS INTENDED FOR SNAKE WHEN HE GETS HERE………HOPEFULLY!"

Snake continued to examine the walls when he saw a 6-foot tall and 8-foot wide block of 'Semtex', they weren't kidding when they said 'HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH'. He decided to take the long way round and went left.

There was another guard, but that didn't matter, he looked for any weapons and realized he was in a kitchen, there would be knives, glorious knives, the true way to kill your victim!

He was heading over to the knives when his 'stealth' ceased all functions; the look of horror on Snake's face was priceless.

"Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap!"

The guard turned round as soon as he heard the complaints of some guy and saw Snake hitting what appeared to be a speaker off the edge of a table.

"VHUMM!"

An exclamation mark popped into existence then soon disappeared over the guard's head.

"Who goes there?"

He marched towards Snake with the intent of emptying an entire clip into his face, Snake almost wet himself when he heard the "VHUMM!" and was currently fighting off a heart attack, when he noticed a guard running toward him he reached for the first thing he felt, a nice metal handle it was a bit heavy for a knife but he wasn't complaining,

"A HA ha…oh."

Snake examined the object that was within his manly grasp, it was a stainless steel saucepan. He shrugged and hit the guard over the head with it, due to the fact he was using his 'manly grasp' the guard was knocked out instantly.

There lay the unconscious body of some one less intelligent than Snake (if that was possible) and an 'AKS-74U'. Snake smiled as he reached for it, but all of a sudden it disappeared, the smile was wiped off as he fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

It echoed throughout the entirety of the ship, yet no one noticed. He got back to his feet and carried on as if nothing happened and was about to proceed through the door when he saw _another_ camera, he got out his M9 and aimed.

CLICK.

"WTF?!" exclaimed Snake.

The codec screen appeared again. "Erm…Snake you have to manually load it, the slide locks after each shot, and you didn't load it from before!" Otacon's voice boomed.

"Well that SUCKS! I am never accepting ANYTHING from you AGAIN!"

Snake loaded the gun and yet again knocked out the camera, then he proceeded through the doorway and ran up the stairs.

He walked over to the computer ignoring the remaining clown/marine corpses, the computer said that the ship was heading for the Bermudas 'for a great family holiday!! For only 99.95! Great value!!' He informed Otacon of what the computer told him and stared out of the window only to notice even more helicopters, but in fact there was an entire armada of them descending on the tanker like a plague of locusts. Snake did not consider this worthy of mention when Otacon contacted him again.

"Snake I found out who that 'THE MOST IMPORTANT GUY LOL!' is!"

"Really? Who? Anyone I know?"

"Not quite it's 'Sergei Gurlukovich'!"

"I do know him his name's familiar!"

"Well yes that's because Ocelot was going to deal with him at 'Shadow Moses' you over heard the conversation between Ocelot and Liquid!"

"Really? I don't remember any 'Shadow Moses'!"

"For God sake you are a complete and utter…"

Otacon's rant was interrupted as a large metallic "CLANG" was heard outside. Snake saw a woman walk past the window talking on a radio, although he didn't actually see the radio because he was too busy looking at her butt.

"Hold on who's this?"

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**R: You'll have to wait for the next bit! lololololololololol!**

**Please do review I will greatly appreciate it!**


	3. Chapter 3

**R: Yay! the long awaited third chapter! sorry about how long it took but my computer erased the file! so don't blame me...please? anyway hope you enjoy!**

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Snake decided to investigate this new person. He went over to the door and turned the handle nothing happened so he turned it the other way still nothing.

"Hmmmm"

The view outside the door was a peaceful one. The handle of the door rattled a couple of times then silence ensued.

Nothing but the wind and rain could be heard. Although if you listened close enough you could hear the woman on the radio.

BOOM!!

The door had been completely blown off the hinges and smoke lingered in the door way.

As the smoke settled the silhouette of some one could be seen. It was Snake in a heroic pose with nothing but the M9 Snake decided to ignore the fact a _tranquilizer _gun blew up solid six inch thick stainless steel water tight door.

He sneaked round the corner and hid behind some crates. He saw the woman talking on the radio. Snake cocked his head to make sure he heard every word.

"Shalashaska has landed what's your status?" said a male voice on the radio.

"Control room, communications and engine room are secure. IR sensors placed and operational all entry and exit points to the hold are secure, how's every one going to get out?"

"There're not meant to you idiot! Otherwise good work! Are the explosives placed?"

"Yes they are all planted! Are you planning to blow something up?"

"Yes you moron! Once we get _it_ the tanker will be scuttled!"

"What does that mean?"

"In idiot terms sunk or blown up!"

"Erm...why?"

"Because of the 'THE MASTER PLAN!'."

"Oh! What about the vehicle's pilot?"

"He's the only one who went through the VR training no one else but my ENTIRE staff can do it!"

"Can we trust him?"

"Your part of the mission is complete you are to piss off at once!"

"No it's not over yet I can…still do…something!"

"I can see the script, even in this storm, pale as death…I have a bad feeling. You swore you'd leave the unit once the mission was complete!"

"No this is where I belong! With the unit! I have no where else to go!" she said whilst drawing her gun.

"There is no choice to make here Olga! Need I remind you that you are carrying _my _grandchild?"

"Really?"

"Yes you simpleton! You will get on the helicopter NOW!"

A helicopter appeared as the radio went silent. The woman looked up and gave the helicopter a two-fingered salute.

It was a good thing that she didn't get on board as the helicopter crashed into a near by sky scraper. Snake took this opportunity and jumped out with the M9 aiming it at the woman.

"Freeze!"

The woman slowly raised her hands as she turned around. Making sure that her face was hidden with her cap.

"Toss the gun over board!" Snake demanded.

The female complied with the demand and threw the gun over board.

"Now toss over your wallet!"

She no longer cared if her face was hidden or not.

"What! Americans so you mug women too?"

"Hell yeah! Now the knife concealing the gun toss it over board!" commanded Snake.

Olga took off her cap and let the wind catch it in order to distract Snake.

"COOL!"

While Snake watched the hat float past Olga loaded the gun/knife. Snake soon returned his attention to Olga as she lowered the knife to the floor.

"Wait! Not there you…what's the word Otacon keeps calling me? Oh yeah retard! Toss it over board!"

Olga slowly raised the knife into a throwing position and pretended to throw the knife over board. Snake followed the fake trajectory with his eyes as Olga fired the knife.

"Whoa! Crap I wasn't expecting that!" exclaimed Snake whilst dodging the bullet Matrix Style.

Olga now equipped herself with a decent looking pistol and took cover behind some crates.

"Wow you actually dodged it! No one ever sees that one coming! But nobody gets lucky twice either!"

Somewhere on the other side of the bridge a guard was patrolling his part of the deck, completely bored out of his mind, when suddenly gunshots and every profanity under the sun sounded out.

"_Stay still so I can shoot you!" _Sounded a mans voice.

"_Never!" _Sounded a Russian female.

More gun shots and screaming sounded through out the night's sky. The guard leaned in closer to hear every thing.

"_Ow! Stop shining that light in my eyes!"_ exclaimed the man.

"_MWHAHAHA……May your eyes burn for eternity!" _

"_I'll get you for that!"_

"_Ow! That's it!"_

BOOM!

"_Oh! Grenades now! Such mortal weapons don't affect me!"_

"_Damn it! Just die already!"_

"_Oh no! Please, ladies first!"_

More gunshots and explosions echoed through the bridge area. But there was only one set of gunshots now. Then the man sounded.

"_Hey have you got any more tranquilliser rounds?"_

"_Yeah sure hold on!"_

BOOM!

"_Oh grenades again! That's cheating! Stop using those!"_

"_Never!"_

"_Ha ha! I've got ammo now!"_

"_Damn you to the bowels of hell!"_

There was a flurry of gunshots as the female fired in rage and evidently missed.

"_Ha! You suck you can't defeat the mighty Snake!" _Exclaimed the man.

"_Will you please just die?"_

"_For the last time NO! I'm the hero!"_

"_I'll become the main character now!"_

"_May your bones be filled with ravenous demons!"_

More guards had gathered now listening in on the battle. It was certainly more interesting than patrolling the small white halls with absolutely no intruders and consequently nothing to shoot.

"_May you spontaneously combust!" _The woman exploded with rage.

"_Grrrr! Will you go down already! Like erm...or die fall asleep?"_

"_Never I can't lose to an American!"_

"_Erm...you do according to the script!"_

"_Really?"_

"_Yes! Have a read!"_

Silence ensued as the woman apparently read the script, the guards were sorely disappointed with the silence and continued on their designated routes.

Indeed Olga was reading the script crouched behind some cover. Mouthing the words as she read them.

"Huh! Guess you're right!"

Olga looked up to see her adversary staring down his M9 at her.

"You've just been owned!"

A tranquilizer round impacted her head and she crumpled to the floor. Snake looked at her unconscious body and smiled at the dark thoughts he was thinking.

He swiped up the new gun quickly to make sure it wouldn't disappear. He raised the sights level with Olga's head.

CLICK

"Damn out of ammo!"

Then Snake suddenly felt like he was being watched he looked around and noticed something.

"Seifer?"

Indeed the Final Fantasy 8 character was floating high above taking photos of Snake standing over the knocked out Olga.

At the moment he was laughing hysterically and muttering something about 'THE MASTER PLAN!'. He finally stopped taking pictures and flew off in to the pitch black sky still laughing and now shouting about 'THE MASTER PLAN!".

Snake watched as Seifer flew out of view and then the ever evil, torturous, irritating, demonic and above all twatish tone sounded...it was the codec.

"Snake erm..."

"I just saw Seifer a second ago!"

"What! You mean the Final Fant..."

"The very same!" Snake said in an evil villains tone

"That's odd, well..."

"Yes onwards to Metal Gear."

"Wait! I have to make a reference to a plot twist!"

"Oh for god's sake! What is it?"

"We didn't get the info on Metal Gear like we usually do!"

"Oh really now?" Said Snake while twiddling with his bandana.

"Yeah erm...it was a...erm...tip."

"Wait what?" Said a suddenly alert Snake.

"Yeah an anonymous tip!"

"Please don't tell me that it was someone impersonating your long lost step sister called Emma?"

"Yeah that's it how'd you know?"

"I read a couple of lines ahead."

"Well I think I've screwed up!"

"No Shit Sherlock! You might just have gotten me killed you know?!"

"Sorry!"

Snake turned off the codec and carried on. He ignored the now missing door and continued to the mast.

He struggled to find a decent handhold in the cold wet whether. It took him several attempts (and hours) to get to the top. When he finally succeeded he noticed a set of ladders. Snake shrugged extended his arms and shouted.

"I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!"

Snake soon proceeded around to the other side of the bridge carefully sneaking round the corner. He made sure no one was there when he decided to run straight out towards the door.

The door suddenly swung open in Snake's face as a guard walked out oblivious to the loud 'CLANG'.

"OW! YOU SON OF..."

Those were the last word's the guard ever heard. Snake wiped the blood off his hands and continued on into the bridge. Snake collected the convenient ammo box for the USP and left the bridge.

He went toward the stairs and ignored the 'blindingly obvious trap' by walking straight through it. And continued to go down the stairs. He sneaked past the unconscious camera and proceeded into the next area.

Snake then remembered that the MGS2 guide said that he should get to the holds via the crew quarters. He looked for any entrances and saw a sign saying 'CREW QUARTERS'.

Snake noted that the door was an automatic one and continued walking toward it. The door looked pretty solid it would hurt immensely if one were to walk into it. Indeed if you were to walk into it, it would most certainly break a few bones. Yes if you happened to walk into it you would most DEFIANTLY require hospital treatment.

The door opened with a 'swoosh' and closed as Snake stepped foot on the other side. He suddenly became alert.

"Hmmm. My Snakey senses are tingling!"

Snake then started to sniff the air and began skitting around testing the air for it's scent. Snake stopped and turned round and faced the direction of where he believed the source was.

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!"

Snake immediately dived straight down the stairs, past a guard, through a rather oddly placed pane of glass and finally using 'Sega physics' to turn at an exact right angle in midair and planted his feet on the ground in front of a bar.

Snake stood there, his wide eyes gleaming, his mouth drooling and gasping heavily as he saw an entire book shelf full of alcoholic beverages. As Snake reached out toward them yet again the codec went off.

"Snake! You're not allowed to consume alcohol on this age rating!"

"WHAT! WHY THE HELL NOT?"

"Erm...because of stupid age rating things...I don't know blame someone else!"

"Damn! Fine I'll go on without!"

The codec de-activated and Snake turned round wiping off the drool. And was about to continue sneaking when he turned back and whispered in the general direction of the shelf.

"I'll come back for you my love."

Snake blew a kiss at it and continued with what he _should_ be doing. He sneaked back out into the hall way and decided what exactly it is he should do.

As far as he knew there were two entrances to the hold. Although he didn't know which one he should choose. Snake didn't bother with the MGS2 Guide as he decided to explore.

Snake darted to the left straight through the guard leaving a fairly small 'Snake' shaped hole in the guard's chest.

Where upon Snake noted two entrances one at the bottom of _yet another_ set of stairs and a water tight door opposite the stairs. Snake decided to go down them.

He made sure his feet lightly touched the floor not making a sound. He controlled his breathing to make sure he didn't alert the guard. He even moved slowly and carefully so he would have plenty of time to react to anything.

But no amount of training, battles, various life experiences or years of therapy could prepare him for what he was about to see.

"LIKE!"

Snake's face turned to a one of complete horror as he saw a creature that should never exist other than in the most deepest depths of hell, otherwise known as a 'Chav' (see wiki if you don't know!).

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Snake.

Snake didn't hesitate at all to empty an entire 120,768,920,081 rounds into its face. There was blood and Burberry everywhere.

Snake gingerly walked past the mangled corpse and attempted to walk through the automatic door but he slammed into it.

"Ow! Should' a seen that coming!"

Snake rubbed his face as he walked back up the stairs and decided to go through the water tight door...literally he didn't even open the door as he proceeded through to the locker room.

If a guard had been on the other side he would be suffering from a heart attack as Snake calmly walked through the door as if this happened every day.

He continued through the hallway leaving Burberry foot prints mixed with blood on every step. Snake very nervously walked toward the automatic door it opened when it detected him. Snake screamed like a 4 year old girl at the sudden movement of the door.

As Snake scanned the room for other life forms he noticed that there were un-guarded lockers, they would no doubt be filled with other peoples belongings which he could steal!

Snake opened the first locker the one closest to the door and inside was absolutely nothing other than the life giving, health restoring and foul tasting ration.

He stowed it away in one of his infinite pockets and continued to the next locker. The door swung open to reveal yet again nothing at all _however_ the consolation prize was in fact a picture of a 'Mei Ling' look-a-like in nothing but a black bikini.

Snake was in a world of his own. Otacon's repeated attempts to get Snake to rejoin the rest of the human race didn't work.

Snake finally regained consciousness after several days and acted quickly he ripped off the locker door and folded it several times and put it in his 'Infi-Pocket'.

"That's coming home with me!" Said a triumphant Snake.

Snake looked around suspiciously making sure there weren't any witnesses. After he confirmed that there wasn't any he continued with his mission which somehow hadn't ended during the several days of non-stop staring and drooling.

Snake carefully proceeded through the next door and leaned against the wall and stuck his head round the corner.

There was a single guard preoccupied with attempting to sneak up on his own shadow. Snake shook his head and jumped round the corner. This sudden contact with another human being was too much for the guard to cope with.

BOOM!

The guard's head exploded with so much force that nothing happened and the guard's remaining body parts slumped to the floor. Snake ran straight past the remnants and went through the automatic door this time not hesitating.

Snake examined his surroundings and realised that he was back in the crew quarters but on the other side. He also realised that he must have gone in a complete circle and decided to go down the stairs he was currently facing. They were the entrance to the engine room.

Snake proceeded through the automatic door (yes there are a lot of them) into the engine room as the door sealed behind him with a 'CLICK'.

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** R: Well? Am I forgiven? please do review and tell me! and chapter 4 is on it's way...hopefully my computer won't erase it again!**


	4. Chapter 4

**R: Hello! Well here it is! The 4th chapter! I'm sorry it took so long but well...I ran out of ideas, but fear not! My 'Mojo' has returned. Well enough prattiling please enjoy! **

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Snake was greeted with a small narrow corridor and the slight hum of the engines

Snake was greeted with a small narrow corridor and the slight hum of the engines. He carefully sneaked along, his M9 drawn when he noticed something.

"Raven?"

The silhouette of the former FOXHOUND member (a local pizza delivery company) was lit eerily against the wall.

Snake raised his gun ready to fire. He'd had a few...unfortunate run-in's with this guy that usually led to half of the city being destroyed as Snake tried to 'borrow'

a pizza.

Snake jumped round the corner with blinding speed and fired off just over 80 billion rounds.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...oh...erm...whoops!" Screamed Snake.

The person who was actually present was in fact well...no one, some sad-o had left a plastic figurine of the mighty pizza deliveryman...thing in front of a torch.

The wall that had so far with stood Snake's mighty attack had promptly crumbled to nothing. It had however revealed a secret compartment that contained a large amount of drugs.

Snake crouched stylishly and cupped his ear.

"Otacon what the hell are marine/clowns doing with about...5000 pounds of multi-vitamins?"

"I don't have the foggiest!" Replied Otacon.

"Whatever! I am seriously low on my vitamin c!"

Otacon sighed as Snake turned off the codec and promptly nicked half of the 'drugs'.

"Ahhhhh! Healthiness in a bottle." Said Snake whilst swallowing 18 tubs in one go.

After Snake had decided he'd topped up his vitamin c. He continued through the next automatic door and saw the colossal engine and the noise was immense.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!"

Snake's voice was drowned out by the sheer roar of the engines. This was a good thing because his eardrums had just exploded and didn't stop screaming for several hours.

"Ow! Damn it I left the freaking surround sound on!"

Snake turned off a conveniently placed 'Dolby Digital' surround sound system and was about to continue when the codec went off again.

"Snake you know the guards won't be able to hear your USP!" Hinted Otacon.

"_Reeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaalllllllllyyyyyyyy?"_

"Erm yup!"

"So I can do what I want huh?"

"Yeah go nuts!"

"Will do!"

A guard was walking up the stairs and had long ago gone deaf. He approached the top of the stairs and saw a strange man.

Snake had in fact _literally_ gone 'nuts' and was jumping up and down on one leg with his tongue hanging out, frothing at the mouth, waving his arms above his head and was imitating the 'crazy frog' (I'm so sorry I mentioned that!).

But this was however just part of Snake's ingenious plan to…erm…lure a guard? He suddenly reverted back to his original state and shot the guard. Snake had even added his own 'pow' sounds with each gunshot.

Snake continued on regardless down another set of stairs. He was now on a gangway, which had nothing other than, a wait for it…another set of stairs! They were going downwards.

Snake groaned he'd had enough of stairs in the 'Shadow Moses' incident. Two huge communication towers with enough stairs in them that he managed to reach the stratosphere.

Snake was now on the bottom floor of the engine room the sight ahead was well lit. The end of a gun barrel could be seen.

Snake using his almighty 8 millio…well only 8 brain cells realized that there must be a guard on the other end of the rifle.

He very carefully leaned against the wall and popped just enough of his head round so that he could see but that the guard couldn't see him. Snake was surprised at what he saw.

It appeared to be a manikin carefully positioned to look like a guard holding a gun. Out of blind curiosity Snake stepped out in front of it. With a raised eyebrow Snake examined it.

"AH HA!" Shouted a voice from behind.

Snake turned round gun-raised ready to fire. To end some ones life to save his own. Ready to fire at the slightest movement.

"You fell for my trap!" Said the guard.

"Erm…okay where's your gun?" Questioned Snake.

"What oh! Errrrrrr……crap. I hadn't thought that far ahead!" Said the guard.

"Ha." Commented Snake.

The guard seemed to be in an incredibly deep state of thought he was even massaging his chin. Snake allowed this to continue for some time until he got board waiting for the guard to do something.

'BANG'

'BANG…BANG'

'BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG……BANG'

'………BANG.'

Snake continued across the small bridge like crossing. It was only at that moment he realized that he was in fact walking over a large bottomless pit. He glanced down and tried to hear over the roar of the engines…he could have sworn he

heard something.

"Help! I can't stop falling!"

He couldn't quite make it out though so he continued on. There was a small set of steps leading to yet more stairs on his left and a bit more of a walk way on his right. He decided to go up the stairs.

As Snake proceeded up them he noticed a guard looking at the wall with a pair of binoculars. Snake approached him and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Ahem! Excuse me!"

"WHAT?!" Replied the guard.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?" Shouted back Snake.

"Alright alright! No need to shout!"

"Oh sorry! Well what are you looking at?"

"A poster."

"What of?"

"Check it out!"

The guard handed Snake the binoculars and pointed at the direction he was facing. Snake looked through the powerful lenses and found it the poster.

"SWEET!!"

It was of course an 'adult' image of a scantily clad Japanese woman. After a few moments of staring his brain kicked in.

"Erm…just how on earth did you get a poster there? I mean it's at least what…20 feet away from the nearest ledge?" Questioned Snake.

The guard seemed puzzled. He didn't know either in fact _no one_ knew just how that had gotten there.

"Erm…well lets see…Errr…Ummm…hold on a sec!"

The guard got a hold of his radio and flicked on the switch. And turned away from Snake. He then spoke into it.

"Hey erm…how'd that poster get on the wall in the engine room?" Questioned the guard.

"_What?! How the hell would I know? Just stop staring and deal with any intruders!"_ The radio spluttered.

The guard seemed to acknowledge this and turned off the radio. He turned round to see nothing, there was no one there.

Although this didn't actually bother the guard. He re-equipped himself with a pair of binoculars and stared out at the poster. What he saw next scared him a little.

Snake was currently attached to the wall hugging the poster and kissing it. The guard rubbed his eyes and looked back at the poster. There was no one there not even a trace of existence.

The surprised guard thinking that he was going crazy turned around to head to the infirmary. But Snake standing there interrupted him.

"Hey can I have a look?"

"Wait…what…you were…but…how…" Said the confused guard.

With the strenuous amounts of thinking, confusion, turning between Snake and the wall and pointing at each of them. The guard's head imploded with a slight 'plop' sound.

"Brilliant! It worked!" Exclaimed Snake.

At this point the codec sounded and Otacon was also baffled as to what had just happened.

"Snake how did you do that?" Questioned Otacon.

"Do what?"

"Well how you'd jump on to the poster and get back that quickly!"

"What poster? There is no poster! I'm in an engine room for god's sake!"

"Wha…? Whatever just keep going!"

Snake continued forward…and fell over the railing. He luckily landed on solid ground he got back up on his feet and went along the walkway this time.

In the distance a bright light could be seen. It was a guard patrolling the lower section of that side. Snake very carefully walked along, his gun already aimed at the guard slowly moving closer and closer and closer…

The guard turned round only to see Solid Snake an inch away from his face with the world's largest grin.

"_Helllllloooooo!"_

The guard panicked and attempted to flee. He unfortunately failed as Snake was already on the other side of him with the same huge grin. The guard turned around again and Snake was there waiting for him.

The guard gave up and jumped backwards over the railing. A constant "AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa." Could be heard. Snake continued down the walkway where the guard would have been walking. Snake's humongous grin was now just a mere 'oh yeah! I did that!' Kind of smile.

Snake was presented with another option now he could…well okay it wasn't much of an option but he could co up the set of stairs or well stay where he was. He decided that he would go up the stairs.

He was now on the middle floor of this section he could continue on forward back to where the poster staring guard…was. Or he could go up even more stairs. Which he did.

Snake crept very carefully making sure that his foot didn't stick out round the corner or that his shadow revealed his position. He leaned against the wall and peeked round. The guard was right next to the door his hand ready on the radio.

Snake realized that there wouldn't be much of a chance of getting through the door and not getting seen. He thought very carefully about what his next move should be. He could of used the cardboard box trick…if he had one. The other way was to make a noise and lure out the guard.

But that would be impossible here so Snake decided on a different tactic. One that he'd never used but had seen in work. It was nigh on perfect worked 9 times out of 10.

He stepped round the corner and lowered his head, with his hands clenched in 'prayer' close to his face as he was 'blending'.

He slowly walked out in front of the guard making sure that he didn't increase or decrease his speed. The guard acknowledged Snake's presence only as a civilian. He managed to get through the door and locked it himself.

"A job well done I must say!" Said a triumphant Snake.

He examined the room and noted that the correct way to go was to the right past the watertight door and that's the entrance to the holds. To his left was the back to the crew quarters (you could tell this because there was a butler waiting to serve any guests).

Snake proceeded in the correct direction. He was about to walk into the trap when he heard a whirring noise. He decided to investigate. He walked over to the door and told the butler to shut up.

Snake leaned against the wall next to the door waiting for something to happen. The door slid open and a guard stepped out he took out his radio and spoke into it.

"Entry to the engine room now finished to the door works!"

"_That's good but I didn't ask you to do that."_

"Oh well no love lost huh?"

"_You're not getting paid for it!"_

"WHAT! HOW DARE YOU I SLAVED OVER THAT DOOR FOR HOURS ON END AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? YOU SON OF A-"

His rant was cut off as Snake emptied an entire clip in to the guard's chest. Snake looked up from the corpse to the butler.

"Well take care of it Jeeves!"

"Yes Sir Immediately." Replied the butler.

Snake complimented the butler by tipping him for clearing up the body. At which point he continued back to the watertight door when with unnatural talent predicted the future and contacted Otacon.

"Otacon I know that there's a trap don't bother phoning me or when I get back I WILL kill you!"

"Erm…okay all I was going to say was that you can shoot out the control boxes."

"Right will do! Now time for those boxes to die!"

"WAIT!"

"What?" Snake sighed.

"The control boxes are the ones with the with flashing green lights!"

"Oh so not the ones marked 'Semtex'?"

"Now shoot the flashing lights!"

Snake turned off the codec and raised his USP. He aimed lined up the sights and fired. The control boxes exploded into sparks and one set of the three sensors deactivated. Snake looked around for the next one.

But instead he spotted three lockers with a poster on two of them. One poster was a woman smiling and the other was a man smiling. Snake decided randomly to take a photo of them. After he'd finished doing that he continued looking for the other control boxes.

After several hours he'd managed to disarm the sensors. They were in very strange places. One of them was on the ceiling the other one was in fact in Snake's equipment pouch.

Snake very gingerly walked trough the passage moving very carefully and cautiously. He knew this wouldn't make a difference if the thing did in fact blow up but he didn't care.

It worked! The Semtex didn't detonate and Snake was very much still alive. He twisted the handle of the door and walked through.

"This is almost it! I'm on my way to the holds entrance!" Snake said to himself.

Snake took a few steps in the dark almost pitch black corridor when the tannoy spluttered to life.

"_Verrazano bridge check point past…"_

"FUCK!" Exclaimed Snake.

"_All marines…er…I mean clowns are to report to the holds for the commandants speech."_

"Damn! I'll have to hurry!"

* * *

**R: Heh Heh! Well what do you think? I thought it was a bit short myself! And perhaps not as funny as i could have made but please let me know what _you_ think in a review! (nudge nudge wink wink!) **

**Oh and do try to wait as it may be a while befor the next one! Don't forget to review! **

**Till next time this has been the R!**


	5. Chapter 5

**R: Well its about time I got out of bed huh? It's been quite a while but I've done it! the fith chapter in full! Yay! Please enjoy!**

* * *

Snake had decided that he would have to very quick, as he'd already missed the drop-off point and that would really piss off Otacon. Getting a taxi to drive you to a place 2 states away was expensive enough but to get to wait there?

It was safe to say that Snake wouldn't hear the end of it if he told Otacon. He decided that he would cleverly change the subject, he would mislead Otacon to think something else…that was the plan.

He drew his USP and continued along the corridor hoping that Otacon wouldn't interrupt him if he was busy.

When Snake aimed the gun a light would come on, when he lowered it the light went off. The bemused Snake raised the gun again, and he repeated the process several times.

He contacted Otacon via the codec (like he could use anything else?!). The codec screen appeared before his eyes and it looked like Otacon was holding his head in his hands.

"Snake what the hell are you doing?" questioned Otacon.

"Magic light appears forth from the strange box placed upon mine gun!"

"What?"

"My gun keeps glowing when I aim! What the hell is going on? Am I high?"

"Wouldn't surprise me!"

"What?"

"Nothing! Look, the light comes on automatically in the dark!"

"Erm…question!"

"Ugh! What?"

"What is this 'automatic' you speak of?"

"Fine it's a freaking magical imp of doom that inhabits your gun that turns on a small light now shut the hell up!"

Further ahead in the corridor a guard was patrolling the narrow passage way attempting to get some sleep but some daft bastard was blinking a light in his eyes. The guard thought to himself:

_Vengeance I must have vengeance! How dare he disturb my sleep…whoever he is!_

Snake was still raising the gun then immediately lowering it when a lot of bullets whirred over his head and every other direction past him.

Snake's attention was brought to the guard after he heard the guard screaming, "Just die already you light if evil! Be sent back to the darkness from whence you came!"

Snake raised his gun and allowed the imp to do its work.

"DIEEEEEEEEE! Ahhhhh! My eyes have been blinded by the evil light! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Snake dived into a convenient alcove as the guard exploded. As the dust settled a few moments later Snake heard something echoing,

"_The Guard, Guard, Guard…"_

He decided to ignore it and continued on this time with his gun lowered. He was still baffled about the magic light imp that lived inside the light module attached to his gun.

His footsteps echoed in the pitch black hall, he couldn't see more than 4 feet ahead. He managed to walk into 3 guards, 8 traps, 6 walls and once even into himself.

As Snake continued to 'sneak' he noticed a pair of hands sticking out from an entryway to his right. He approached the corpse very gingerly, inching his way around the corner. After deciding that no one else was there he sprung round the corner. Although no one was there Snake was startled by the light suddenly appearing from his gun.

"Damned magic light imp!"

He lowered his gun and examined the corpse, it looked like a marine…clown? Whatever it was it had been shot, stabbed, poisoned, dropped off a tall building, ran over by exactly 31/2 cars, been defeated on Super Smash Bros Brawl and Soul Caliber 4, had a piano dropped on its head, scratched its ass 4 times, burped and farted and then suddenly died.

Snake decided that this would be a perfect opportunity to pose with the corpse and take photos for Otacon, after all he'd love that…right?

To take the photo he enlisted the help of a nearby guard. Snake stood with the corpse and posed while the guard took the photos, all the while saying things like 'Yes, excellent!', 'Move a bit towards the light,' and other strange phrases people with cameras say. The whole process took about 2 hours.

When they had finished Snake relived the guard of his post and continued along the corridor, watching out for more guards. He raised his gun again, and cursed at the small imp, which giggled inside its prison.

He stepped forward slowly, preparing himself for whatever might appear into view. As he walked, he listened closely, straining his superhuman ears so much they actually grew an inch from his head, elf style. There were footsteps… and a guard walked into view (no surprise really! I mean come on what were you expecting? A demon sheep?). Snake noted that the guard was listening to some sort of MP3 player.

He walked up behind the guard not bothering trying to sneak as surely the MP3 player would drown out the sound of his footsteps. Snake was now right behind the guard, and he was about to raise his gun as the guard turned around.

"Aha! You fell for my simple ploy! My musical device isn't actually on! Ahaha…ha…crap!"

Snake had leveled his gun sights with the guard's head and was currently smiling. What Snake didn't realize was that the magical light imp was on the toilet and consequently the light didn't come on.

Snake looked in puzzlement at his gun. "Okay that's odd…hmm whatever! Look hand over the MP3 player and you don't get hurt as badly as if you didn't…hand over the MP3 player!"

"Never! It's against my religion!"

"What? It's against your religion to get mugged?"

"Yup!"

"Wow that's…very very weird! Look what is this religion?"

"Erm…okay you got me I was lying! Just don't break it ok?"

"I'll do whatever I want! Is it okay if I kill you?"

"NO!"

"Damn! Ah well at least I don't care what you say!"

Snake then pistol whipped the guard with a thud. The imp complained loudly at the impact, but Snake ignored it. He leaned down and picked up the MP3 player and plugged in the head phones. Snake grinned, he thought he could use the same trick to fool his enemies, but then realized something.

_These guards are highly trained killing machines of death! Geniuses in combat, they know every trick in the book…! There's no way they'd fall for such a simple tactic…oh wait their idiots… oh well!_

Snake shrugged and continued on not bothering to turn on the MP3 player. As he walked toward the only unlocked door he noticed another guard standing in front of it keeping a keen eye out for intruders.

He realized that he'd have to use ALL of his tact, cunning, ingenuity, military training and video game skills to sneak past.

He walked towards the guard then straight on past him.

"Yo!" said Snake.

"'Sup?" replied the guard.

Snake continued through the door way and sighed with relief as there wasn't any guards in this corridor, just copious amounts of ammo, rations and…silence. It was far too quiet.

He sensed his mortal foe, an enemy that had followed him for the entirety of his life. He could never escape it's grasp, it was impossible to avoid, the worst thing to happen since nukes it was a dreaded……cut-scene. The most powerful force known to man.

He could hear movement up ahead, it sounded like a water tight door being opened. He quickly took cover behind a conveniently placed box. Guards spilled out of the door as they took up tactical positions covering every entrance.

One of the guards took out a radio and spoke into it thusly.

"Colonel we have sealed the stern hatch!"

"Good!" said Sergei.

"We have also cut off communications to the holds!"

"Excellent! Now we can watch them squirm as they try desperately to order a pizza!"

"Indeed sir."

"Good now 'THE MASTER PLAN!' is coming to a close! Oh! And before you go…"

"Yes sir?"

"Kick Olga over board she hasn't paid her rent!"

"Yes sir!"

The guard put away the radio and signaled to the rest of his team to move out. At this point Snake had crouched even more behind the box hoping to get the jump on them.

But then he was distracted by a piece of ominous music that increased the tension ever so slightly. He readied his gun, awaiting the moment for the guards to appear so he could empty a clip into them.

One of the guards was walking very slowly toward the box where Snake was hidden, his gun's magical light imp casting an eerie shadow down across the corridor. But before he even reached Snake he shouted "Who goes there?"

Snake slowly turned his head and noticed a very shocked orchestra and camera crew who were remaining perfectly still with horror on their faces.

"I'll get you after this you know! God I hate you lot... the one time you had to get seen!" yelled Snake.

Alert music played as the guards opened fire, and Snake retaliated, emptying clip after clip after clip! Which was slightly strange, seeing how he only had one clip left.

One of the guards shouted "Shoot out the lights!". Snake then realised that he was screwed because his magical light imp would give him away, but he didn't let this stop him as he continued on firing like a mad man…called Solid Snake.

The guards were felled like…something that gets felled…erm…Orcs in 'Lord of the Rings'…trees from a rain forest…kittens in a mincer…CPU's on Super Smash Bros Brawl…me on Metal Gear Online…whatever the guards died a lot ok?

No matter how many shots the guards fired Snake would not go down! Bullet after bullet after grenade after homicidal rat after grenade he refused to die.

"Ahahahaha! You can't kill me I have FOOD!"

Although Snake's ammo held up and so did his rations, against the near unlimited guards his morale was taking a blow.

"My god they won't stop coming!" he exclaimed at his camera crew.

"Just shut up and get on with it! Do something to make it fun!" said Otacon, who was listening in hoping Snake would not survive, as he owed him 10 bucks.

"Hmmm..."

Snake looked through his equipment the three tonnes of porn might help…not in a fire fight though. He examined his equipment even more and remembered he had a MP3 player he turned it on and music came blaring out. A smile was raised as Snake increased the volume.

The guards had taken many losses against this one man maybe they should aim for the intruder rather than the lights. But what they saw next was a bit surprising, as Snake had not only jumped out from his cover but he began playing an air guitar and singing.

"Come ride with me, through the veins of history, I'll show you how god falls asleep on the job."

The guards could not with stand this barrage of attacks - awful singing and then the sneaky shot fired every now and then. After a few minutes and heavy losses Snake continued to sing.

"No ooone's gonna take meeeee aaaaliiiiive, Time has come to maaaake things riiiiight, you and I must fight for our rights, You and I must fight to surviiiiiive!"

The guards could take any more of this awesome track (Muse - Knights of Cydonia)… oh, and Snake's gun fire as well. That helped.

"No ooone's gonna take meeeee aaaaliiiiive, Time has come to maaaake things riiiiight, you and I must fight for our rights, You and I must fight to surviiiiiive!"

Finally after 3 hours the guards had fallen. Unburnt gunpowder lingered in the air as did the smell of a thousand dead guards and homicidal rats. Snake took a deep breath and holstered his gun and turned off the MP3 player.

He headed toward the door avoiding all of the corpses… which was pretty damn hard the sheer number of them was ridiculous. He stepped through the door and continued his way on to the holds.

There had been one survivor, a single guard had survived the awesomeness of 'Knights of Cydonia', Snake's bad singing and lethal shots.

He snuck up behind Snake and waited for him to pass through the door. When the secret agent, as well as his cumbersome cameras and orchestra had gone through the guard closed the door and began to seal it. Then he heard footsteps, and he spun round, gun raised.

"Who goes there? Oh it's you, Shalashaska… what are you doing here?"

A grey haired old man was walking confidently before he got spotted at which point he immediately panicked.

"Erm no reason why who wants to know?"

"It's just I thought that you were with the commander?"

"AH! You know my secret DIE!"

At which point Shalashaska pulled out a revolver and shot the guard then immediately resumed his cocky pose.

"Don't worry comrade your commander will be joining you soon!" He then began to laugh like a true evil villain, and surprisingly, didn't cough halfway through. Shalashaka stopped out of sheer surprise, and then very carefully and deliberately coughed.

Snake had stepped out on to a balcony high above in the holds. He surveyed the area and contacted Otacon.

"Otacon what the hell are in these holds? It doesn't even look like there's any clowns!"

"Oh right yeah it's the whole 'every religion should be allowed' thing don't worry! There's just various satanic cults that'll kill anyone who isn't a marine! You'll be fine!"

"Gulp!"

"You actually said gulp? Just get a move on!"

"Okay! But if I die I'm blaming you!"

"Fine just MOVE!"

"Okay I'm going I'm going! Sheesh!"

And thus, Snake began his traversal through the fifty or so holds of the ship, each one containing some different kind of evil cult than the last.

* * *

**R: Well? What do you think? Did you like the 'Muse' reference? I know I most certainly did! Anyway until the next chapter bye! (P.S pleaaaaaaaaaase reveiw? For me? I'll give you chocolate?!)**


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